What makes me sad

As I lay here at 1:30 am aching. My leg aches...a new pain in my side that is positional that started this afternoon. My shoulders are tight from the recent stress and my back just aches...stress, tumors...who knows why, but what really just brought me to tears is the thought of being a dissapointment. I was supposed to be the one to care for my parents and grandparents when they were to old/frail to take care of themselves. I am my dad's only child...so now what will happen to him. I worry. I'm the most responsible child of my half brothers, so who will take care of our mother, step mother, grandpa. I feel like a let down. I know it is of no fault of my own, but it was in my plans. I wanted to take care of them, make sure they didn't go into a nursing home with crappy care.

Oophorectomy

As awesome as an oophorectomy sounds and rolls off the tongue...it does create a bit of a void. It was a laproscopic removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes. 3 incisions. Each less than an inch big.

It is now a reality that I will never have children. I would have been a great mom too. I think it's ok. Like I've said...life doesn't exactly go as planned...it's good to have loose guidelines.

I do enjoy taking trips to NYC or vacations to San Diego, Europe, etc. And it's hard enough to travel or leave home with having a dog to look after, so a child is a much bigger responsibility.

If I tell you I'd like to spend time with your child...it's to atleast make an impact in his or her life, like my nephew. He makes me want to be the best Aunt...the Aunt he'll never forget and always think of fondly. That I make him feel safe, loved, responsible, and that there are consequences to his actions. He does not enjoy time out, but it is necessary some times and important I believe. Just as important as those rides on the 4 wheeler, trips to the park, riding the snow mobile, etc.

It's weird the times that not having children bothers me. It sometimes makes me sad when I think of other people having babies eventhough I can't wait to see the baby and hold the baby because they are so darn cute and cuddly! Seems silly, I know. I do love seeing and being around my friends and their children...it really just affects me at odd times. It REALLY gets me when someone has had the joy of having a child and ALL they do is complain about it or abuse that privledge of having children (i.e being a poor parent) and we see it all the time. Or when you already have a child or two and complain about not being able to have another. All I can think is well...atleast you have one...you are blessed with one...sigh.

I think until now it was in the back of my head that I'd find a surrogate to carry a child for me at some point.

It's ok. I just try to focus on what I do have, like the freedom to come and go as I please and not worry about the ear infections, teething and just overall illness when you can't give children any medications to make it all better...you just feel so bad.

It's BAAAAACK

So recent pain in my Left Hip that was unexplained (i.e. no injury) prompted me to ask the Dr. for another scan. The CT of chest and body bone scan shows progression of the lung nodules, a new lesion on my liver, and something going on in my Left Hip/Pelvis Region. Additional scan of Left Hip shows Avascular Necrosis of the Head of the Femur in the Hip joint. Yeah, if you know what Necrosis is...it's death, so that's never a good thing.

So what's the plan? Well, surgery 1st to remove ovaries (bye bye last hopes of every having a duplicate of my genes in a little one) and putting in a mediport.


Sexy, huh? Help me come up with a good story as to why I'll have this lovely lump on my chest...it will surely be a topic of discussion. I've opted to FINALLY get one because the poor nurses are down to drawing straws every three weeks for my treatment because the years of medication and abuse has turned my veins into little fragile things :( Friday I was stuck 4 times before one worked and now it looks like someone beats me because of the bruising of all the sticks. Try explaining that all the time!

Then changing up my treatment...Remaining on the 3 week Herceptin and Zometa, but now add a hormonal treatment of 2 Buttock shots every 4 weeks. Faslodex...it sounds wonderful. It's thick and each injection takes 3 minutes to push in...Awesome. This is instead of the daily pills I used to take that stopped working.

Oh, the hip you ask. Well, who knows. There really isn't much they can do for a bone that has lost vascularity. After the surgery and getting the new treatment squared away...I'll be headed to an orthopeadic surgeon to figure that out. All I can say that if a walker or cane is in my future...It better be all BLINGED out! LOL.

I still feel pretty good, so each day I'm thankful for that and I just roll with it. I literally live for each day.

Friends, family, and work...could not be more supportive.

It's BAAAACK

I have a chest CT scan tuesday which showed a new lesion on my Liver and progression of the nodules in my lungs. Of course, my blood didn't show anything...good thing I wanted a scan for peace of mind...otherwise It'd be much more progressed....change of hormone treatment...no chemo right now....until next week...bone scan.

I can only imagine

We have a graduation ceremony every 3 months at the college I teach at. It's incredibly heart warming watching those that have worked so hard are finally successful. I haven't even had a graduating class yet of my own. I can only imagine when I do...I'll be a mess. I feel like I'm responsible in some way for their success. They come to me needing a second chance at life, comraderie, advice, support, encouragement, etc. I'm not always perfect (they will be the first ones to tell you that) but I definitly care and do want them to be successful! First graduating class is May of 2011...I can hardly wait!

Don't count on me to call 911.

Tag! You're It!

So when I was a kid we played your typical childhood games especially outside in decent weather. I am reminded of this one time my brother, Jason, and cousin, Kristy, were all playing outside hide-n-go seek/tag.

The person hunting would count, the other two hide, then the hiders had to make it back to a previously established SAFE place before being tagged.

The garage doors were safe during this game. This would not have been a problem with the exception that the garage doors had windows. As my brother ran to be safe as I'm pursuing him to tag him, you guessed it...he put his arm straight through the window.

Hmm, I do believe I'll save you the gory details (unless you want them), but he had quite the gash in his arm. We went in the house and while my step-father was getting a towel to wrap my brother's arm, I was supposed to call 911. I picked up the phone, then fainted.

I know a lot of good I was!

I came to shortly after because I was awake before the ambulance got there. My brother ended up with 104 stitches up and down his arm. It took a long time to heal, but in the end, nothing permanently debilitating.

Puffs Plus with lotion...

I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. I like the ins and outs of ordinary things.

So here it is, my favorite tissue for many years standing now.

why you ask? I'll tell you why. Every time one of these tissues inevitably ends up in my laundry, it comes out in 2 pieces because it's 2 ply and that's it. The others end up in 15 billion pieces.

I swear I check all my pockets before laundry...I have no idea where the tissues hide, but boy do they hide in the midst of illness!

Thank goodness I was at target the other day when I didn't have any tissues on my person, I picked some up, but at that time I wondered if there is proper ettiquette when you NEED a tissue and there is not one available. There was NO STOPPING this waterworks and no tissues or napkins on me of any kind! Sleeve? the inside of the top of the shirt. I know I have used both at one point or another. Or a glove when outside in the cold...I hate that though, hurts your nose!

cheers!