Breast Cancer, more than meets the eye...

Isn't it interesting...

I ask myself sometimes how I got to where I am and where do I want to go from here. I've always wanted children and thought that someday I would have some of my own. A stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis changes that. The medications I take are proven to harm a developing child. If I went off the medications, the cancer would kill me with the increase of hormones of being pregnant. People say to me, well atleast you can adopt! Actually, I've looked into that option and it would be more difficult than some might think. You see, a stage 4 diagnosis means that life expectancy is not favorable past 5 years. In my case I think life expectancy is favorable, but the "red tape" if you will does not discriminate. U.S. adoption agencies will not allow stage 4-er's to adopt, which actually is in line with many other countries such as China, Guatemala, etc. Unfortunately, surrogacy laws are similar. MAYBE someday if I'm really looking into it and found a private surrogate of my own, it would be allowed.

You see, the biggest disapointment is that I feel as though I have so much to give and I'd be good at it. This is one reason I'm moving back to Pa. I want to be a bigger part of my nephew's life and have a positive influence on him. This is also a reason I'm passionate about my dogs because to me...they may be the only children I ever have.

Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky and fortunate. There are ladies out there that have a very poor prognosis and medicine hasn't caught up to their type of breast cancer just yet. I'm lucky that I have years ahead of me to make a difference. Heck, I might someday take a leap and foster children, but lets get through this move first!

Benjamin Patrick

That would be my nephew. It's quite refreshing to see things again through a child's eyes. Christmas eve my brother, nephew, and I had to quickly made a trip to another home to collect a gift my brother had delivered there for his girlfriend. It was rather serious business, right? Benjamin didn't think so. As my brother and I are deep in conversation in the front seats catching up while we are alone Benjamin Boasts from the rear, "AUNT JEN, LIGHTS" pointing at the Christmas lights hung with care on the homes. I even LOVE looking at lights, but was actually not paying attention to them since I was talking with my brother. It reminds us to take a step back and look at all of life's little pleasures.

This kid, he's a trip I tell you. On Christmas, I caught video footage of him sampling all the candies on the gingerbread train cake. Sampling I say because if he didn't like it, he put it back. All the while he's drooling and the drool was falling into the dish of cookies sitting in front of him.

When I'm at home in Maryland and he's home in Pennsylvania my brother kindly tells me Benjamin asks for me, but he doesn't. He actually says, "Where shadow" my 12 year old flat coat retriever. It's ok though, Shadow is memorable, loveable, and gentle. He deserves the love of a 2.5 year old.

Benjamin is probably the BIGGEST reason I'm considering moving back to Pa. I want to be in his life, I have so much love to give. I'm 30 now and at one time thought I might have a family of my own, however, after this years diagnosis of Stage 4 Breast Cancer, that proves to be much more difficult a feat (sp?) than originally believed.