Monday, June 6, 2011
What makes me sad
As I lay here at 1:30 am aching. My leg aches...a new pain in my side that is positional that started this afternoon. My shoulders are tight from the recent stress and my back just aches...stress, tumors...who knows why, but what really just brought me to tears is the thought of being a dissapointment. I was supposed to be the one to care for my parents and grandparents when they were to old/frail to take care of themselves. I am my dad's only child...so now what will happen to him. I worry. I'm the most responsible child of my half brothers, so who will take care of our mother, step mother, grandpa. I feel like a let down. I know it is of no fault of my own, but it was in my plans. I wanted to take care of them, make sure they didn't go into a nursing home with crappy care.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Oophorectomy
As awesome as an oophorectomy sounds and rolls off the tongue...it does create a bit of a void. It was a laproscopic removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes. 3 incisions. Each less than an inch big.
It is now a reality that I will never have children. I would have been a great mom too. I think it's ok. Like I've said...life doesn't exactly go as planned...it's good to have loose guidelines.
I do enjoy taking trips to NYC or vacations to San Diego, Europe, etc. And it's hard enough to travel or leave home with having a dog to look after, so a child is a much bigger responsibility.
If I tell you I'd like to spend time with your child...it's to atleast make an impact in his or her life, like my nephew. He makes me want to be the best Aunt...the Aunt he'll never forget and always think of fondly. That I make him feel safe, loved, responsible, and that there are consequences to his actions. He does not enjoy time out, but it is necessary some times and important I believe. Just as important as those rides on the 4 wheeler, trips to the park, riding the snow mobile, etc.
It's weird the times that not having children bothers me. It sometimes makes me sad when I think of other people having babies eventhough I can't wait to see the baby and hold the baby because they are so darn cute and cuddly! Seems silly, I know. I do love seeing and being around my friends and their children...it really just affects me at odd times. It REALLY gets me when someone has had the joy of having a child and ALL they do is complain about it or abuse that privledge of having children (i.e being a poor parent) and we see it all the time. Or when you already have a child or two and complain about not being able to have another. All I can think is well...atleast you have one...you are blessed with one...sigh.
I think until now it was in the back of my head that I'd find a surrogate to carry a child for me at some point.
It's ok. I just try to focus on what I do have, like the freedom to come and go as I please and not worry about the ear infections, teething and just overall illness when you can't give children any medications to make it all better...you just feel so bad.
It is now a reality that I will never have children. I would have been a great mom too. I think it's ok. Like I've said...life doesn't exactly go as planned...it's good to have loose guidelines.
I do enjoy taking trips to NYC or vacations to San Diego, Europe, etc. And it's hard enough to travel or leave home with having a dog to look after, so a child is a much bigger responsibility.
If I tell you I'd like to spend time with your child...it's to atleast make an impact in his or her life, like my nephew. He makes me want to be the best Aunt...the Aunt he'll never forget and always think of fondly. That I make him feel safe, loved, responsible, and that there are consequences to his actions. He does not enjoy time out, but it is necessary some times and important I believe. Just as important as those rides on the 4 wheeler, trips to the park, riding the snow mobile, etc.
It's weird the times that not having children bothers me. It sometimes makes me sad when I think of other people having babies eventhough I can't wait to see the baby and hold the baby because they are so darn cute and cuddly! Seems silly, I know. I do love seeing and being around my friends and their children...it really just affects me at odd times. It REALLY gets me when someone has had the joy of having a child and ALL they do is complain about it or abuse that privledge of having children (i.e being a poor parent) and we see it all the time. Or when you already have a child or two and complain about not being able to have another. All I can think is well...atleast you have one...you are blessed with one...sigh.
I think until now it was in the back of my head that I'd find a surrogate to carry a child for me at some point.
It's ok. I just try to focus on what I do have, like the freedom to come and go as I please and not worry about the ear infections, teething and just overall illness when you can't give children any medications to make it all better...you just feel so bad.
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