Failed Relationships

I'm thankful for failed relationships. As difficult as they may be at times, I indeed learn a thing or two about myself and life.

I once was marriage and really took to my vows. That failure was the MOST difficult of anything in my life, even more difficult emotionally than cancer twice. Our sex life was structured...if not today, then tommorrow. Or a monday, wednesday, friday type schedule. It didn't matter, it didn't work for me. I had a successful career, I did not have time to wait on him hand and foot or need to succumb to hearing "well, that's not how my mother does it" one more time. I was never good enough. I didn't want children by the age of 27 which I was up front about before marriage, but he "thought I was kidding." According to him I needed to quit working and stop having friends and stay in watching tv with him on days that were warm and sunny. What?!?! It's ok, I know I did everything possible to make that relationship work and I can't say the same for the other party, but I think it all worked out for the best for both of us.

How about the guy that raised his voice and yelled at me for ACCIDENTALLY spilling the groceries on the floor at a store in New Mexico? He almost drove off the premises without me at that grocery store in MY rental car. And why did I stay with this guy months later. I'm sorry, that just makes me laugh at this point. He would also yell when we had to wait 15 minutes for a table at a restaurant at home, but yell at me. Uh, again, why?!?!

Bipolar mental illness is a trap. It's just terrible. Try communicating with someone that tends to be manic on regular occasions. He was exciting, interesting, funny, but also delusional in his thinking. No, he didn't need medication or therapy according to him. It was perfectly normal to pull off a person's car bumper after they cut you off in a parking lot. Really?!?!

What about the guy that lies, doesn't know why he lies but it's with good reason. Right, you figure that one out.

Dating someone is not a project, it should not be work...not early on. I'm not complaining. Each of these people also had good attributes, which is why I dated them in the first place. Dating is this complex mechanism in which you determine if your values match up with another person's enough to share your lives together forever. I know it IS possible and while it is not ALWAYS easy that is should be initially. I believe I have learned a lot about myself through failed relationships.

If you stop learning, you have given up...on life...in general.

Moral Delimma's

I had some time to kill before lunch with a friend saturday, so I started at Boscov's across the street at the mall. I went to leave the mall after purchasing a chunky brown necklace for $3.47 (wahoo!). As I walked towards my car, I noticed the van next to it had the side door open closest to me. I figured someone was in it or coming or going, so I originally ignored it. Oh, I should mention it was raining a solid rain ALL day. I got in my car, started it up, and even backed out yet I didn't see any movement from that van. Hmm. Now I pulled back into my spot and looked in the van and saw no one. I got out of my car and looked closer and didn't see anyone. So I pulled the door close risking looking like a thief or crazy lady if the owners happen to be near. So if you own a van and it was soaked on the inside driver side without the door being open on saturday, it's because I closed the door for you. You are welcome.

I think that makes up for accidentally stealing a bottle of purell $.99 from Target a few weeks ago. I had put it in the place where you put children in the cart and later my purse got heavy. Well, I placed my purse right on top of it and totally forgot about it until I was outside already and it was COLD out! Not that the cold makes the act any better, but it seemed justifiable to me. Ok, I'm just a bad person. Whatever.

I Don't Know (sometimes the most intelligent words to hear)

So as you know, I deal with this thing ongoing throughout life called Cancer. Today was the third spine specialist I've seen in the past 2 months. He is actually an orthopedic doctor specialized in spine and cancer. You know what, I went in there, I filled out my life history basically was taken to a room, told to strip and put this ultra non-chic gown on and have a seat. Over an hour passes by before anyone comes back. In case you didn't know, those gowns are not meant for warmth, so I used my coat as a snuggie. Then the nurse practitioner comes in and asks me my life history again just to make certain what I have written is accurate?? Perhaps he's going to write a book about me. Nah. Anyhow, he's in there for maybe 15 minutes and orders an x-ray. A lot of time passes by again before Portia (pronounced porche) comes to take me for the x-ray. She was nice, but I'm a bit worried about her taking my x-rays. In the short time I was with her, she admittedly was confused with thinking. Hmmm. I was glad to be done with that, lord only knows what permanent damage she's done to my body. Finally, Dr. Albert Aboualafia comes in, states how cold it is in my room and insists we move the party next door to the conference room where it's atleast 10 degrees warmer still in my gown mind you. We sit down, he asks me a few questions just to confirm the answers I wrote and gave to the nurse. He says he doesn't know why it hasn't healed itself yet, but he's confident with the new medication I started recently that it will in a few months time. And here I find comfort in this unknown. Odd, I think but I suppose just the thought that the pain will come to an end soon and normal activity will be attainable again. THREE specialists to hear this.....

Unconditional Love

Dogs- they surround me with love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No matter what. I believe they are sometimes what keep me sane. There are a few days, very few that they are the cause of my insanity, but I would not trade their love for the world!

Shadow has been there, he has ALWAYS been there. I got him when I was 17 and a senior in highschool. Actually, my mom got him. A family had bought him, had him as an 8 week old puppy for 2 weeks and figured out that a puppy is NOT easy! So that family sold him to my mom for 50 dollars dog, crate, food, leash and all. He's worth MUCH more than that. He is my rock. He saw me off to college, through an early marriage and a painful divorce. He took care of me through two cancer diagnosis over a span of 4 years. He has been a constant, whereas, men have come and gone.

Chloe was bought on a whim after a painful breakup with a boyfriend. She was a wonderful distraction from my pain. Not that I recommend that process of finding a dog. She is 2 years old now and still amazing me with her intelligence. She figures everything out. I've hidden her food container all throughout the lower level of the house and she always finds it quickly. She's beautiful, like nothing you've ever seen before. I'm her biggest fan, which is a blessing and a curse occasionally. She is a more "in your face" type dog. Probably all the spoiling when she was young and impressionable. I've created a monster!

They are my family. Some people understand that, some don't. My heart aches when they are away from me. It's eased a bit if I know they are a place they love like my father's horse farm. They are off leash there, they love running around and ther are SO MANY smells. Not to mention that they get totally SPOILED there by Barb feeding them people food all the time. They are good dogs, they deserve to be happy. They love people and I can't fathom putting them in a position that they are not with people,

especially not over the holidays,

not even with your money Nana, sorry.

They are MY family.

Benjamin Patrick

That would be my nephew. It's quite refreshing to see things again through a child's eyes. Christmas eve my brother, nephew, and I had to quickly made a trip to another home to collect a gift my brother had delivered there for his girlfriend. It was rather serious business, right? Benjamin didn't think so. As my brother and I are deep in conversation in the front seats catching up while we are alone Benjamin Boasts from the rear, "AUNT JEN, LIGHTS" pointing at the Christmas lights hung with care on the homes. I even LOVE looking at lights, but was actually not paying attention to them since I was talking with my brother. It reminds us to take a step back and look at all of life's little pleasures.

This kid, he's a trip I tell you. On Christmas, I caught video footage of him sampling all the candies on the gingerbread train cake. Sampling I say because if he didn't like it, he put it back. All the while he's drooling and the drool was falling into the dish of cookies sitting in front of him.

When I'm at home in Maryland and he's home in Pennsylvania my brother kindly tells me Benjamin asks for me, but he doesn't. He actually says, "Where shadow" my 12 year old flat coat retriever. It's ok though, Shadow is memorable, loveable, and gentle. He deserves the love of a 2.5 year old.

Benjamin is probably the BIGGEST reason I'm considering moving back to Pa. I want to be in his life, I have so much love to give. I'm 30 now and at one time thought I might have a family of my own, however, after this years diagnosis of Stage 4 Breast Cancer, that proves to be much more difficult a feat (sp?) than originally believed.

A beautiful life

That's what "La Bella Vita" means, but it's much more romantic sounding in Italian.

You know, i have thought quite a bit this year about writing a book about my life. It's been quite a life thus far. I turn 30 years old tommorrow and while these past 30 years have been challenging and rewarding, I look forward to what the next 30 years offer.

I'm a breast cancer survivor, dog lover extraordinaire , a family kind of girl, appreciate of the little things, knows there is no time like the present, a carousel operator, a loving sister and aunt, daughter, a lover, a hater, and all things in between...

This is my life, my story.