Those that know me, know that I'm not really one to complain especially about myself. I feel myself pulling away from people, I'm afraid to make plans (for fear of cancelling them) or worse yet...keeping them and being miserable the entire time because I'm so tired, nauseous, or in pain. I hate cancelling plans especially last minute and anyone that knows me...KNOWS that I just love being social and seeing my friends. This has really made my heart heavy...I feel like such a waste. I thought I was destined for great things and now I just feel stuck struggling to stay afloat.

I love how I go to the doctor every week lately and he asks me what medications I'm on...which consist of Codiene cough syrup, marinol, lexapro, Ibu, albuterol inhaler...all as needed. My Dad is worried about me...worried about all the medications, but it's so hard. I just want to be normal so badly...I want to go about life like normal. I hate being "sick" I medicate myself to try to get through each day and live a normal life. Without work of some sort...that's it for me...I'll be giving up, be done fighting.

Then they tell me that guys are scared of the cancer...that 99.9% of guys will not stay around during it. I guess I understand...it's scary, but then again...I could be hit by a bus tommorrow on the street. Know one knows. My friends and family want me to lie to men (or just not tell them) which is the same as lying to me...omitting the truth. I hate it...it wears on my heart, but it is nice to have someone pursue you and want to be around you before they are scared of you.

My nausea really bothers me lately...all the time. My back pain on the left hand side is getting pretty bad. I thought it was from coughing, but I'm not so sure anymore. I even wake up in the middle of the night to move to my other side because of the pain...I have to consciously think to move so it hurts less....and my hip...it's still the same. Not any better....

Jenny Grimes is a fellow survivor. She had some great ideas that i'm trying out myself. That whenever she feels down about herself or her disease...she does something for someone else! What a great idea. It sure makes you feel better. I'm all about that! Friends of mine like Delores Krick...already do such things....what an angel.

until next time!
Jen